Do you REALLY trust me???

hi there.

So me and God have been talking a lot.
I actually think I beginning to WAIT how He's been asking me to WAIT this whole time... resting in Him.  It feels much better.
I have new hunger for His Word... because it's the ONLY thing that REVIVES me.
I have new passion for prayer... because that's where I belong... in His Presence.
I have new excitement for serving... because that's where He works.
I have new joy for learning... because that's where wisdom lies.
It's good.

But... the more I talk to God and ask Him what He wants with me... I just keep sensing Him ask me,

"DO YOU REALLY TRUST ME?"

A month ago I would have responded, "Yes, I trust you... BUT I think you are letting me down right now... I'm suppose to be going to get my kiddos."  Two months ago I would have said, "I trust you... BUT I'm terrified and unhappy." In December, I probably would have said, "NO... I'm gonna take this all over and do it myself." - BAHAHAHA! That would have turned out well... NOT! September, I would have said, "Yes I trust you... BUT I feel beyond crazy and more than inadequate."

Within the past 2 weeks, God has brought me to a place that I can truly say, YES I TRUST YOU. Whatever happens, I trust You. Whatever you take us to, I trust You. And then I say... PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE HELP MY UNBELIEF.  There are areas still occupied by fear, by insecurities, by lies, by my own agenda. He will help my unbelief. He will deliver. But... I really do TRUST Him. He REALLY is good and faithful and loving.  Whatever happens, good or bad, I trust Him.

GOD CANNOT BE UNLOVING TO US! He IS love... and He cannot change His character. He IS faithful... He cannot be UNfaithful. He IS those things. When we place our agenda and dreams and plans on Him... we seem Him through unfaithful lenses and un-good lenses... but that is with our LIMITED, FINITE perspective.  Oh, He is good.

I don't really know what this question means coming from God right now. Kinda freaks me out.  But I can say from the depths of my heart that I TRUST Him. I love Him. I love KNOWING Him. He is my Satisfaction. He is my refuge. He is my Lord. He is the King.

I heard a song my Christ Tomlin this morning called Sovereign... I LOVE IT! Here's the lyrics:

Sovereign in the mountain air
Sovereign on the ocean floor
With me in the calm, with me in the storm

Sovereign in my greatest joy
Sovereign in my deepest cry
With me in the dark, with me at the dawn

In Your everlasting arms,
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end I can trust You
In Your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way I will trust You

All my hopes, all I need,
held in Your hands
All my life, all of me,
held in Your hands
All my fears, all my dreams,held in Your hands

So... do you REALLY trust Him? With everything? Your agenda? Your time? Your dreams? Your kids? Your marriage? Your job? Your money? Your... your... your...

Do you TRUST Him that He is who He says He is, that He can do what He says He can do, that you are who He says you are, that you can do ALL things through Christ, and that His Word is ALIVE and ACTIVE in you????

I'm believing Him. I pray with every breath, every day, every... everything... I believe Him. He WILL NOT FAIL YOU! He will not disappointment you! He IS BETTER! JESUS IS ENOUGH!

Freedom In Surrender!

First, happy birthday yesterday to one of my favorite people, Kelli! Thankful for my friend!!! Thankful for my pastor's wife!!! Thankful for our relationship... we are each other's comfort here in Troy! :) She's preggers BTW!!! YAY! 

Yep... FREEDOM IN SURRENDER! 

Usually when I think of surrender, I picture someone waving a little white handkerchief, symbolizing weakness and giving up... leading them to captivity under the enemy. Well... not with Jesus. You know, He likes to mix everything up... he likes oxymorons.. so, Surrender is Freedom. Let me explain...

Before Christmas... I literally felt CRAZY with anxiety... CRAZY... really! Anxious over the adoption... mad because we didn't have a picture of our cute fella... nervous that our paperwork was taking so long... upset because I couldn't control it... and just frazzled because that's how I am.  God FINALLY got my attention after a few melt downs... and said HEY! THIS IS MY ADOPTION JOURNEY... I JUST INVITED YOU TO BE A PART OF IT! I LOVE YOU. I FIGHT FOR THE ORPHANS. I WILL HAVE VICTORY OVER INJUSTICE. NOW... SHUT UP... AND LET ME FIGHT FOR YOU. YOU JUST NEED TO TELL MY STORY, WAIT ON ME, AND LISTEN WHILE YOU ARE WAITING. 

Slap in the face, eh? O yes! It is His story. Eric is His. He is working on my behalf! On Jacob's behalf! On Eric's behalf! Yes... He is! 

Now... me and God had some words... I still hate waiting... LOATHE waiting... and He knows it. I still want a picture of my boy... I wish it would hurry up... but I am believing God. I'm surrendering MY plans, MY dreams, MY timeline, MY... MY... MY.  I am trading my worry for His joy, and BOY, is it so much better! 

Beth... Beth Moore that is... gave me a holy slap to the face again this morning. Guess what it was about... WAITING!!! Isaiah 40:31 says that those who wait UPON THE LORD will renew their strength!!! Well, Beth made the point that, for the most part, when we are waiting on/for something and we are constantly discouraged and defeated it's because we are waiting UPON that thing/event and not on the Lord. OUCH!!! That was totally me - waiting UPONG the adoption, the picture, the paperwork, the approval, the hurry up... I WAS NOT WAITING UPON THE LORD!!! If I was waiting upon THE LORD, I would have had strength, joy, perseverance, and peace!!! I definitely did not have that!!! O... we must WAIT UPON HIM ALONE!!!! 

She also said something that encouraged me to infinity and BEYOND! She said, The longer we have to wait, the more the Lord is working for us in the heavenlies!!!! Yes, please work on our behalf!!! isn't that a cool thought though??? I love it! We wait... while He works... because He loves us that much! 

Now... onto my prayer words.  :)
So, since I got married, God has given me different WORDS to pray each year. 

2010 - FREEDOM
2011 - VICTORY
2012 - FAITH/BELIEVE

For 2013, I believe my word is AWARE!!! To be aware of His leading, His plans, and His love.  To know when to talk and when to shut up. To be AWARE of what He is doing... instead of forcing what I want to do.  Yep... awareness is what I need. I like this song for my 2013 prayer word anthem! 

Just Words...

⁶ And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

Hebrews 11:6

FAITH

A word we throw around all the time. 
A word that should define our lives... our moments... our identities. 
A word I have learned SO much about this summer. 

If you asked me what I learned this summer, it would be how I am BELIEVING God.  I know... simple right. NOPE. There's a difference in believing 
IN God and ACTIVELY BELIEVING Him. To totally TRUST Him... in everything - the "big" and the "small." To KNOW He is good and He is faithful and He hears me. To be aware of His answers. To earnestly SEEK HIM.  To pray BELIEVING He is a miracle-working God and that He is who He says He is.

The Bible study I participated in with the women at my church, Beth Moore's "Believing God" has truly rocked my world.  It's not her words that have changed me... it's simply been putting into practice and BELIEVING, hardcore BELIEVING, that God is the Lord Almighty.  Wow... He has shown up and shown off.  And not because He has to.  Just because He loves me enough to not leave me the same. Because He loves me so much... He wants to teach me.  He loves me so much He wants to use me. He loves us so much...

This summer has changed my life. There are foundations laid for changes that will forever alter... everything. There is a prayer life and a peace and a joy that I never thought possible.  Yes, life is good right now... it really is.  But I also know that when (not if) life gets rocky and Satan comes a swingin'... my God is a ROCK and I am believing Him. He's got me hooked :) 

I have also learned that sometimes with FAITH and BELIEVING there is some WAITING for God's timing involved. His timing is PERFECT, but... patience and waiting are not my favorite things. BUT... I have also learned this summer that a season of waiting means a season of intense training, learning, equipping, and growing. It means I have a lot more to know before it all happens! :) And that's okay. 

There was a song at Passion 2012 called "Lay Me Down" by Chris Tomlin.  There's a bridge in the song that says:

It will be my joy to say, Your will, Your way... always

I have to be honest... in January... I couldn't say that with my whole heart because that's a big statement.  His Way... ALWAYS... sometimes that's not very enjoyable if you know what I mean.  Because of my interpreting brain.. I always look at and analyze the words before I sing a song... because that's important. Who wants to sing and say stuff they don't mean... I don't. BUT... I will scream this bridge at the top of my lungs now! I trust Him completely. His ways are best. He knows my heart's desires and oh... how He will make them realities. 

Can't wait... well I guess I'll have to wait... to see where He takes us.  NOT PHYSICALLY (don't worry... we aren't leaving Troy)... just in general... I'm excited to see what all He's up to.  He's making a way...