Praising...

I'm praising when my heart feels disappointed. 

I'm disappointed because I thought we'd be closer to getting Eric now. I'm disappointed because I want a picture of my sweet boy.  I'm disappointed because days are passing and he doesn't know how much we love him. I'm disappointed because things aren't happening when and how I want them to happen. I'm discouraged with things at times. I'm overwhelmed at times in our clock factory of a house. I'm helpless because I can't speed up the process. I'm anxious to just go get him. I'm disheartened when I read of potential timelines. 

BUT... I know my God is big. He proves Himself daily to me. We only have $5,000 plus travel costs left to raise! Can you say... GOD IS GOOD! That is amazing! He has raised well over $20,000 in less than 4 months! Do not doubt... He reminds me. 

Like I said in an early post... I'm doing Beth Moore's ESTHER study. Oh... how God is reminding me it's ALL in His timing... and not Anna's. Mordecai reminds Esther of that in the most beautiful way:
¹⁴ For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?” Esther 4:14
Yes... I must know this... deep down... not just surface level... not just a saying. I didn't even want to blog... and sometimes I don't want to talk about the process... but I cannot remain silent.  If I remain silent, I STEAL HIS GLORY! Don't let me do that! I will praise Him... He is always worthy. He will deliver us from the piles of adoption paperwork. He will! And WHO KNOWS... maybe we are in this long, drawn-out process for a perfect and wonderful and divine purpose.  WHO KNOWS? God knows. He knows exactly what He is doing.  I pray that MY heart knows and that I can say again and again... "I KNOW THAT WE ARE IN THIS PROCESS FOR SUCH A TIME AS NOW!"  I cannot doubt. I cannot allow waiting to steal my joy. He is the Creator of Time, the Creator of Eric, and adoption is His heart... He will not delay. 

I am praising Him for my marriage.  I just love my hubs. I really don't know what I'd do without him. He encourages me, speaks truth/wisdom to me, prays for me, and acts as Coach Chris Masader (say it fast) in the Christmas childrens' play! How can you not love this!?? 

I am praising Him because He loves me and is teaching me how to love better.  Adoption is just about getting a child... it's about love... love for people... all people.  God's love for us, for me, is great. He is preparing my heart to be a mom... a selfless mom.  A frugal, teaching, praying, mom.  I am being taught what it will look like to love Eric.  You know... a lot of us accepted Christ, and were adopted by Him, at a young age.  We have known His love for a while and have learned about Him over the years.  We know what is right and what is wrong in the Lord's eyes and (hopefully) want to follow that.  On the other hand, there are many who have not been taught about Noah, Adam, Daniel, and Mary from the Bible. They don't know about how much they are loved by the King of the Universe until later.  Or maybe they do know... they just stray far, far away from Him.  I see this so much in our youth - not yet loving Jesus more than the world.  Enjoying drinking/partying more because the drunks and other party people "love" them and accept them.  Oh... man... if they could just grasp the deep deep deep love of Jesus. 

It's the same things with kids - those who have had a family from the beginning know (for the most part) they are loved, the rules of the family, and they know how to love back because they've SEEN it and FELT it.  Well, those children... like our Eric... who don't know those things about families, and maybe not about Jesus... have to be loved with no limits, with abandonment, without fear, and deeply! I can't wait to do that. I know it will be hard... but so good.  I know that was a long explanation, but I've just been thinking lots lately... which can be very scary! 

I'm gonna stop on this one - I'm praising Him for these girls... these girls that I love so much. That I want to strangle at times because... they are just being teenage girls and I don't want them to do what I/we did. I just love them. 

So... that was a long one.  My summarizing thoughts... JUST PRAISE HIM! He's got it under control!