feeling CrAzY!

So... I'm feeling crazy.  Not like a shout off the rooftops "let's go party" kind of crazy.  It's like a broken, expectant, bitter, joyful, uncertain, confused, exhausted... kind of crazy. 


This week I have felt especially inadequate in everything I do... everything.  I can't explain it and I know it's Satan - all day everyday. But... golly... I am feeling it. There is chaos going on around me - there's a new twist to stuff everyday. My heart and brain and body are overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed with things I would have never thought I would have to be bothered with. Overwhelmed with stuff that make me miss middle school days... okay maybe not that far back but definitely the care-free college days. Yes, I miss them. I don't like big girl issues.  I don't like being refined and being taught true PURITY and true HONESTY and true DEPENDENCE. It's painful.  BUT I am rejoicing because I know it's worth it.  


This time in my life makes me think back to when I first moved to Troy.... I HATED IT! I mean ABSOLUTELY HATED it!! My best friends were 6 hours away. My mom was 2.5 hours away. Troy, in my mind, was the size of my thumb with nothing to offer. I was UNCOMFORTABLE. I felt ALONE. I hated being in that time. I cried a lot. I struggled with God every morning. I was open and honest and needy.  And... I grew SO much in that time.  I don't remember another time where I have been so intimate with my Savior.  That time was so personal for me - God daily guiding, comforting, loving, and speaking truth to me.  I crazily yearn for those days sometimes - that feeling and presence I felt with Him.  I am expecting now.  I am seeking Him.  I am looking around for whatever He is doing. 

 Look around at the nations;

look and be amazed!

 For I am doing something in your own day,      

something you wouldn’t believe      

even if someone told you about it.

Habakkuk 1:5

I am joyful because I am seeing change, seeing passion, seeing WORSHIP in others. I am grateful and refuse to allow Satan to steal my joy! I am rejoicing and will continue to praise and love and invite.  I am just crazy. I am thankful that my Jesus loves this crazy girl.  That he invites me to REST in Him.  That He is CONSTANT. That He goes before me.  That His Spirit will not leave me. I am thankful He is working.  I am excited that Satan sees me as a threat - AND HE SHOULD!! I am relentless for my Jesus and will do whatever He calls me to do. Satan is defeated and Jesus will once again be VICTORIOUS!!! I'm excited that I am allowed to experience His victory - whatever it may look like. I don't like the battle... but I am willing. My God is bigger. My Jesus is truer. Victory belongs to Him along. He dances and sings over me and I rejoice.