My Joyful Hallelujah!: The REAL me... learning REAL love

I've learned a lot about myself in the last little while. Ready for some honesty?

I've learned that I trust myself to fix things in my life (bad idea). I have learned that when I'm stressed, I NEVER see the big picture. I have learned that I do not LOVE people WELL when I am overwhelmed. I have learned that transparency is so good, but I struggle with it.

I have learned that I have put up a HUGE wall between me and people. I love to listen and mentor and be there especially for my girls, but I don't like being NEEDY... I really don't. I don't like to let people in. I really don't. My husband knows me - he knows things about me that I don't want him to know about me - and sometimes it's hard for me to let him in and tell him my struggles and the deep me. I don't know why... I guess it's just me being in control and trying to not seem needy. But I am needy and I need people to KNOW me, to love on me, and to SEE me.

I have especially put walls up between me and people in Troy. I think I had in my mind that would never find a true friend in Troy because my best friends lived so far away. Yes, that is true that my best friends live far away... but how wrong and selfish of me to think that God wouldn't provide women to confide in here. This whole time I have been convincing myself that I don't have a best friend here because of this and that... but it has been me the WHOLE stinking time. There has been a best friend, I just put this wall up and refused to let anyone KNOW me - only the surface me. I have been terrified - I don't know why. She has been there... I'm sure she knew I had issues but I kept myself at a "safe" distance so our relationship has not been what it's suppose to be. It was my fault! What an awful realization! Well... I'm changing!!! By golly... I want to LOVE WELL! I want to love until people have to push me off because I am lavishing them with love like Christ has done to this hard, crazy heart!!! I want to be the friend we have both been longing for in this place we call home. I want to love this lady well.

I want to love WELL new friends that the Lord has brought into my life.

I want to cherish and continue pouring into old relationships like these:

I want to make sure I always have time for visits, letters, phone calls, texts... and not be too busy with life and forget to delight in it!

I want to LOVE my family WELL!

I want to always love my husband WELL - to let him journey through life WITH me, to struggle WITH me, and not try to control everything. I love him. He is a great husband. He is my best friend. He takes care of me, loves me, and enjoys me.

I want to be a good daughter and love my mommy WELL - she is wonderful. I could never explain or know everything she has done to love me WELL. She loves WELL - I want to be like my mommy. When I was little, it was scary when my grandmother called me "Kay, Jr." because... well, it just was. But, I would be proud to be called "Kay, Jr." now. I want to love people WELL like my mom does.

I want to be a good grand-daughter, sister, cousin, aunt, niece, and all the in-betweens.

I want to always show appreciation to people who have impacted my life. I want to love them WELL: