God's response to my FEAR

I am not a fearful person.
I will do whatever, whenever.
Tell me to go to Africa without a care in the world... done.
Tell me to talk to a stranger - anywhere, anywho... done.
Ask me to interpret/dance in front of thousands of people (we are working on the speaking)... done.
Tell me to adopt a teenage boy from another country... done.
Ask me to lead trips to foreign countries where the language barrier is intense for me... done.
Ask me to scream, shout, yell, and go crazy in front of hundreds of kids as a camp counselor... done.
Tell me to jump off a 45 foot cliff in Jamaica into the ocean... done.

BUT... ask me to W.A.I.T. and I am dreadfully afraid.

I do not know how to explain the utter and complete FEAR I have felt the past few weeks in the final waiting process of this adoption. I want my son here. I want that medical form to HURRY UP. I want to set foot on Belize soil to make Eric a Morgan forever. I want it more than my next breath. But, I have never experienced ANYTHING like this FEAR before. This is not a feeling of uneasiness like I get when I know I'm going against something God has told me to do... it is paralyzing fear and anxiety.  There have been times when I physically feel it coming on... and I can do nothing to stop the intense fear I feel.  I have thought in the past fews weeks that I might have been having a panic attack... I don't know... but it was so against how I am at my core. I am not fearful. I am not anxious. Yes, I am impatient. Yes, I have lots of ideas that I want to work out. But... I am not an all-out anxious person or someone who lives in fear. I'm just not.

The fear that I've felt literally feels like an additional set of clothes being put on me. I know that's weird, but I don't know how else to explain it. I can feel it being draped on me and then I don't know how to get out of it. I have had some breakdowns and pretty sure Jacob thought about running away. Ha! I'm so glad he didn't.

I was confronted by a lot of questions I had to answer:
Why am I so afraid to wait?
Do I really not trust God... still?
Why am I so afraid of the unknown and the silence?
Do I really not believe He goes before me and is a God of details?
Do I only believe God in the good circumstances or will I praise and trust Him even in the chaos and the not-so-pretty times?
Am I just another conditional Christian?
Is this fear a sign of something?
Do I think that God is going to fail us?
Have I really forgotten all His miracles He's done so far?

Thankfully He still wants to teach me. This is what I have learned... am learning -
Unbelief and fear are strongholds/sins in my life. I may not struggle with the outward "biggies" of excessive drinking, drugs, or whatever... but fear is a stronghold that has held me captive recently. IT IS NOT FROM HIM! It's not.

Fear is a liar. It is from the Father of Lies. 

This past Sunday we went to a church plant in Birmingham we had been wanting to attend.  The worship pastor was basically Jacob's mentor growing up.  As he began to pray to open the service, I felt myself become hard towards God. I crossed my arms and tensed up... not really wanting to let Him in... probably because in all actuality when I'm afraid, I'm not trusting. But, as God does, I just felt Him saying, "Daughter... let me work on you. Let me heal you. Let me release you."

I didn't want Him to work on me... because it hurts. He strips stuff away. He shows me the yucky-ness in my heart. He showed me my unbelief and this paralyzing stronghold fear had on me. Its roots were/are deep. But... He showed me His Grace once again. He is so full of grace. When we are trying to be obedient and follow His guidance, his Grace is there. His grace is ENOUGH. He is ENOUGH. He showed me these verses:

¹⁸ There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

1 John 4:18

His PERFECT love drives out FEAR! Yes!! If I am consumed by His love... I cannot be consumed by fear at the same time. It's impossible. Fear is NOT allowed where His dwells!! I have to rest in His love... not clamor around in my fear. 

⁷ For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

2 Timothy 1:7

FEAR IS NOT FROM GOD! He gives us power, love, self-disciple, and the fruits of the spirit (love, joy, peace, PATIENCE, self-control, faithfulness, kindness, gentleness)... NOT FEAR. 

I cannot let fear have power over me. I must turn my anxious thoughts and dread into even louder songs of praise and thankfulness! He is good. He is faithful. He will not fail us. He is working on our behalf. He loves us in His amazing Grace. He is constant. He is truth. 

I am so thankful for my hubby and his amazing faith.  While I have been FREAKING OUT, he has remained strangely calm and assured. I am praising God for a husband who trusts. Who rests. Who listens. I am so thankful for the days/nights I was filled with fear and he just looked at me and said, "It's going to be okay. God's got this." Yes... yes, He does. And I know that in my heart or head... I don't know which... but the other part has had serious lack of faith. Thankful for a helpmate and leader to remind me of God's faithfulness and think I'm crazy when I doubt. 

Fear is a liar.