u.n.c.o.m.f.o.r.t.a.b.l.e.

happy monday.

So... sometimes ya feel uncomfortable, ya know? I have been thinking a lot about being uncomfortable. I'm in the process of figuring out how to balance, how to proceed, how to be me, how to prepare to be a mommy, how to forgive, how to not be bitter, how to love, how to be aware, how to trust, how to not schedule every minute of every day. just how to... and it's uncomfortable for me. I feel awkward.

I feel like a I have grown to big for my britches and I'm in between sizes and am trying to figure out what to do... you know the feeling!  Just down right awkward!  I'm happy and life it good... just awkward.

When I'm UNCOMFORTABLE... I think about when God forced me to move to Troy. He definitely forced me here. I HATED it. I wanted out. I had no friends. no family. no clue what I was doing. We lived in a single-wide trailer. My best friend were 6 HOURS AWAY and Jacob's best friend lived next door! I was in a new city, job, church, place, last name, EVERYTHING. I was so uncomfortable! It was probably plastered all over my face how much I felt like an odd ball! I would cry because I hated being here and I felt alone.  I definitely freaked Jacob out. I mean... I know I had Jacob... but I was a little bit whole lot bitter that his best friends were here and mine weren't.  You just have to understand me and my friends - we lived together for 2.5 years, we aren't normal, surfac-y, or good at being apart!  We are perfectly fine with sleeping in one room on bunk beds, going to Africa because we felt led, going to nursing homes because we loved the old ladies there, and were okay not showering - haha! Moving to a small town, like Troy, it's REALLY REALLY hard to figure out where you fit in... if you even fit it. I felt extremely, uncomfortably alone.  And I knew why...

Me in 2010... first year in Troy. cute huh?

God wanted me to know Him alone. He wanted me to have no distractions to the learn about Him. As I look back on that time... although I honestly HATED going through it, that is when God showed me the best and richest treasures I have ever experienced. I learned so much about Him. I fell in love with Him for real and He, during that time, equipped me for so much.  He freed me from so much stuff. He taught me how to teach. He showed me the power of prayer - real on-your-knees, crying out prayer. It makes me smile to think about all those mornings sitting in our fake tiled, gold trimmed cabinet kitchen... with Jesus. It was during this time of UNCOMFORTABLE, that 15 minutes with Him became not enough... 30 minutes seemed so short... and an hour sitting with Him would barely do.  In that time of UNCOMFORTABLE... I learned how to REST in Him... how to stop striving and just learn to LOVE Him supremely.  When I was SO UNCOMFORTABLE... I was able to KNOW my Jesus.

Me in 2013... still learning

So... in my UNCOMFORTABLENESS (yep, made that up) now... what is He wanting me to learn? I think it's too much for me to see right now.  I'm sure I'll look back and be able to see all the treasures... all the nuggets of gold... and cherish all the amazing times in our green, white cabinet, hardwood kitchen. The time in the trailer with Jesus FOREVER CHANGED ME... it really did. An hour is still not enough time to spend with Him and I am still in love with Him.

I'm sure this growth spurt will level off one day and I'll be, once again, forever changed by all that's He is teaching me.